On the Topic of Comparison

"Pride is the great sin--not the thought of being good looking or rich or smart, but better looking, richer, or smarter." -C.S. Lewis

For me, the subject of pride has always been a very sore spot. When I was a child, I constantly had to be reminded that the world didn't revolve around me. (Someone really should have taught me about Galileo sooner!) I have always been very headstrong. I refused to wear pants until I was nearly 11, as I wanted to dress like a princess and only wear skirts and dresses. (Fun fact: that's also why I have such long hair. My mom didn't know what she was doing when she let me onto fairy tales as a child...for which I am most grateful. I blame Cinderella for the dresses and Rapunzel for the hair, if you must know.)

I've known from a fairly young age exactly what I want to do with my life. As could be assumed, I want to work with stories. I have always loved stories. You could tell which board books had belonged to me and which ones had belonged to my brother when we were babies. Mine were well-chewed. I can truthfully say that I devoured books before I even read them. Anyway, I've pretty much always just known that I want to work with art and stories. Before I knew that, however, I knew that I wanted to be a saint, which leads us to the topic mentioned in the title: comparison.

As a child, I grew up reading as much on the saints as I possibly could. I was the kid that, if you had a question on a saint, I'd probably have the answer. (I need to get back to that!) While that was a very good thing, it was also slightly problematic. I noticed that all of the saints either a) joined religious orders, b) were martyred, c) had immensely difficult marriages, or d) lived lives that otherwise didn't sound all that appealing to Little Ella. Little Ella became quite discouraged.

The discouragement lasted years, and Little Ella aged some in years, but unfortunately, she was still confused. As the saints lived lives of great penance, how could I hope to ever join them in Heaven? I loved God and wanted to live a life that would honor Him, but I wondered: would that mean denying any hope for happiness here, in this life?

I will have you know that this summer has sufficiently cleared my head.

You see, while I had a vast knowledge of the saints, I had practically no knowledge about God's love. I have had some struggles with scruples since age 12, so (while I have no trouble in seeing God's justice) it is hard to realize that He is also merciful. He loves us so much that He has designed a special plan for each soul He creates. A plan that, if the soul chooses to follow it, will lead to perfect happiness with Him in Heaven. Being a good Father, He loves us so much that He gives us the freedom to choose to a) be smart and follow His plan sooner rather than later or b) take the long way 'round. I have finally realized that happiness here doesn't have to be denied for happiness there.

This summer has been hard for me, yes, but honestly, I am happier now than I was last spring. I had been struggling with anxiety and depression for a few years (I think) without acknowledging that there was anything wrong or that I might need help. My parents tried to convince me that I should get help, but my strong-will showed the nasty side of its nature. When I got sick, I finally surrendered and let myself receive some psychological help. So, my anxiety has been lessened, and now, I can think and see things more clearly. As I have less worry over things, I have less scruples and can feel closer to God. As captured by photographs, the eyes of the saints are filled with joy. Although they may endure great suffering, their closeness to God brings them joy. Their love for God allows them to feel happiness here, which is only made greater there.

When Our Lady told St. Bernadette that she could not promise her happiness in this world but in the next, she meant happiness in worldly terms. I didn't get that for so long. I thought that Mary was saying that we should expect to feel miserable for the whole of our earthly lives, if there is to be much hope of Heaven for us. Oh dear...I can be such a fool.

Anyway. Back to the quote from the beginning of the post. As with the subject of God's love, I have always been confused on the subject of pride. In the process of growing up, I've gone through the developmental highs and lows of teenage confidence. Prime example: Daughter of Kings. When I was 14 (or so), I thought that I was the greatest young writer to grace the world of literature with my work. When I was 15, I thought that I was the worst writer on the face of the planet. The writing in question was the same story. Now, at age 16, I have come to realize that I was a bit off on either end of the scale, though I'd say, "While, yes, Daughter of Kings is a good book, it is no better than all of the other good books out there. It tells a good story, but it was written by a child, so it lacks the depth that can be found in great works of literature." (I must confess that I aspire to write a great work of literature.)

Now, at age 16, I have realized that pride is not acknowledging that you are good at something and humility is not saying that you are terrible at that same thing. Pride is saying that you are better or best at something and humility is acknowledging that others are good or better at that thing. Note: if acknowledging that someone else is better is really a way of saying that you're worse, that isn't humility. That's just beating yourself up and hoping that you get a halo.

As God gifts each person with unique individuality, comparison to others is really just irrelevant. As Aslan says to Lucy in the movie, Prince Caspian, "Things never happen twice, dear one."

As I know writing, I'm going to emphasize this with an example from the writing world. The 20th century produced some amazing Catholic authors. J.R.R. Tolkien, Flannery O'Connor, and Meriol Trevor are all examples. JRRT wrote deep fantasy novels, FOC wrote moving short stories, and MT wrote children's books that were among my absolute favorites. All three were Catholic writers that filled a different niche. Their work cannot be held up side-by-side and compared as JRRT vs. FOC vs. MT. That would be like taking a fish, a turtle, and a frog out of the river and debating which one is best. All three live in the same water and their purpose to the ecosystem may overlap, but they are all different and one is not better than the other two.

It's the same way with people. God doesn't play favorites. He doesn't have the archangels stand before  His throne and try to decide if He likes St. Michael, St. Raphael, or St. Gabriel best. No. That would be absurd. He created each of them with a distinct purpose, just as He made each of us. If God doesn't compare us, what makes us think that we can compare ourselves with each other?

The only comparisons that a person can make is a comparison of himself with himself. Specifically, he can only ask himself, "Am I closer to God than I was yesterday? Am I becoming more of the person that He created me to be?"

I ask that you close your eyes now and promise to try to let that be the only comparison you will ever draw with human things. (I encourage you to make a practice of asking yourself the above questions, so that you can focus on personal/spiritual growth, which will make it easier to feel happy, even when life situations aren't perfect.)

I found a prayer on Catholic.org that I would like to ask each of you to just read-through.

O Great Saint Joseph, you were completely obedient to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Obtain for me the grace to know the state of life that God in His providence has chosen for me. Since my happiness on earth, and perhaps even my final happiness in heaven, depends on this choice, let me not be deceived in making it. 
Obtain for me the light to know God's Will, to carry it out faithfully, and to choose the vocation which will lead me to a happy eternity.

If you want to find more on how to grow personally/spiritually, I would advise you check out Dynamic Catholic. Matthew Kelly is an amazing author who focuses on this subject: https://dynamiccatholic.com